Search For a Provider Facebook Twitter Instagram YouTube ES Contact Us

Sex Health Blog

Dealing with Delayed Ejaculation

Aug 11, 2011

Delayed ejaculation can be tough to deal with.

It happens when it takes a man longer than he’d like to ejaculate. Most men ejaculate within a few minutes of starting intercourse. Men with delayed ejaculation may take between 30 and 45 minutes. Some men are completely unable to ejaculate. Or, they may be able to ejaculate through masturbation but not with a partner.

It’s easy to understand why a man with delayed ejaculation would feel confused and frustrated.

Many men don’t want to admit they have trouble in the bedroom, especially when they’re unable to climax. Some have trouble talking with their partners about it, leaving partners to wonder what’s wrong. Is the man no longer attracted to his partner? Is the partner doing something wrong? Is he seeing someone else?

Today we’ll talk about some of the causes of delayed ejaculation and some treatment options.

Physical Causes

If you are experiencing delayed ejaculation, your first step should be seeing your doctor. Sometimes, delayed ejaculation is caused something physical. For example, nerve damage from stroke, spinal cord injury, or multiple sclerosis can cause ejaculation problems.

Some medications for anxiety and blood pressure have sexual side effects. Excessive use of drugs and alcohol can also contribute.

It might even be a matter of technique. If the pressure and movement you use during masturbation is different from the way your partner stimulates you, or from the rhythm of intercourse, it might take you longer to ejaculate.

Psychological Roots

What if your delayed ejaculation has psychological roots?

This is pretty common, actually. In fact, some experts believe that most cases of delayed ejaculation stem from psychological issues, since most men are still able to ejaculate through masturbation.

Still, it can be hard to pinpoint what those psychological issues might be.

Try thinking back on your childhood or the time when you were becoming sexually aware. Were you brought up to think that sex was sinful? Did you ever feel ashamed about having sexual thoughts or feelings? Did you think you didn’t deserve to feel sexual pleasure? Were you ever caught in a sexual act that authority figures didn’t approve of, such as masturbating in the bathroom or touching someone they thought you shouldn’t?

Also think about your relationship with your current partner. Are you happy? Do you trust your partner? How do you get along? Are you fighting a lot these days? Do you give each other the silent treatment? Do you communicate your wants and needs to each other?

It may be that your delayed ejaculation is caused by a combination of these issues.

One way to work on them is through counseling. A trained therapist can help you process any thoughts and feelings that have been bottled up.

You might also consider couples counseling with your partner. A therapist can teach you both how to better communicate with each other and help you resolve any conflicts you’re having.

With any type of therapy you choose, be open and honest with yourself and your therapist. It’s not always easy. But honesty will help you get to the heart of the matter and move progress along.

Performance Anxiety

Finally, let’s talk about performance anxiety. You might feel nervous about performing in the bedroom. After all, you want to satisfy your partner. You don’t want anyone to think you’re inadequate or that you can’t deliver. You might feel you have a reputation to live up to. It can be hard to relax with all this pressure.

Performance anxiety often becomes a predictable pattern. If you start a sexual encounter worried about how it will go, that worry will take over and it will be more difficult to ejaculate. That can make you worry more about the next time you have sex. And so on. 

Sex therapy can help men with performance anxiety. A sex therapist can help you get your mind off performance and back to enjoying the intimacy you share with your partner.

One strategy is called sensate focus. This is a practice couples can do at home. There are variations, but it usually starts with touching, kissing, and exploring each other’s bodies without intercourse. The goal is to relax and enjoy the experience, not necessarily to ejaculate. With intercourse off the agenda, you won’t feel as much pressure to perform well.

Eventually, couples trying sensate focus do try intercourse again. Often by this time, the man’s anxiety levels have decreased and ejaculation becomes less of an issue.

Don’t suffer in silence.

No matter what you think may be causing your delayed ejaculation, you don’t need to suffer in silence. Talk to your partner and your doctor. Work together on a treatment plan designed for you.